I sit back, relax and vocalize my free-dom
cause some tale of emotion locks inside of me
I play the lottery of life, run the rule of roulette
pullin the card but it's hard not to sweat, place ya bets
you ain't a gambler? well circuit, Imma handle ya low
I got some tools for the small to grow, uh-ayyo
I let it flow. --Zion I

A few years ago -- a great man, Warren Witherell, planted a seed in my head of eventually writing a book. A few days ago -- I was sitting in the LA airport when emotion suddenly took a hold of me and I grabbed my iPad and started writing down a storm. Some people say, when you write something down that bothers you -- you free yourself. I have had a pretty rough year, so, I decided it is time to get rid of that year. Although, the trials and tribulations that I went through have made me into the person that I am today I feel like it is also time to release some of the bothersome. No need to leave it built up inside of me anymore. This is a period of change and transition, freeing these thoughts has become part of my journey of transition.
I don't know if I will ever let a soul see what I have written. I have been writing daily, then I go back and read through it -- only to find myself feeling centered and smiling. There are certain "confessions"(as I am calling them -- similar to chapters) that I want to have people read, there are others that I want to keep to myself. For now I will work on it until I feel like it is complete -- then I will print it out and hide it in a box -- so that I can find it later on and reflect. I got that idea for my 7th grade PE teacher...thank you Ms. Stewart. haha!
It is fun to write everything down. I feel better about my situation and the past. It gives me time to order my thoughts and think about logical ways for me to complete tasks/goals that I have set for myself (I know...me thinking logically...weird...) 

So...Imma jus let it flow....




I did it again tonight. Created awesomeness. I love having the freedom to freely cook again. I had flour city pasta (thai chili flavor), shrimp in a white wine, garlic and butter sauce with some spinach! Sooooo delicious! Try it!!!!

San Diego.

Cheap ticket. 5 days off. Southern California? Why not? I flew down to San Diego and had a ball. I am thinking that might become my new home. I loved the beach, the people, the location, EVERYTHING. It is time to trade the skis for a surfboard?

Hello PB.
Follow the leader.
A bar in DOWNTOWN SD had not only Tall boy PBRs but they also served them in a paper bag! Heaven!
Firsts. Yogurtland. I found out I can do yogurt.
Cute. Duh.
Yo brahhh
Sunset cliffs? I think
Last stop before my flight. Yep, there happens to be one in SD that looks over the Padres stadium. SOLD!
Successful? I think so. I almost wish I would have missed my flight yesterday. I want to go back. I am thinking hard about it. Input?



“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”


Tootles toots

Well, back to a mundane job...today was the last day that the Jacobs family (and friends) had the opportunity (and of course I only mean this in the most positive way EVER) to annoy me while at work. Seriously, they made every day really fun -- what a great two weeks! Thanks for the help, all the laughs and smiles we shared. Imma miss you guys! Who on earth is going to entertain me on the pier now?! Great......

....Until next summer....

an explanation.

I wish I had a logical explanation, but I don't.

Where is the joy of life and living expecting an explanation behind everything? Somethings just don't even have an answer -- we should not dwell on them nor should we dig for one. All you can do is move on, or better yet move forward.

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who had rationalized his emotions" 

Brett Dennen

Betsy has done it again....she has introduced me to another great artist...Brett Dennen. A singer/songwriter from good ole' Californ-I-A. This kid has an amazing voice, his musical skills are off the wall! I only just discovered his music tonight, but it is right up my alley, he reminds me of Ben Taylor meets, Jason Marz, meets Trevor Hall -- some REALLY awesome sounds. This music is pure, and the lyrics are full of meaning -- most of the songs that I have listened to tonight hit close to home. The guitar playing is soft and easy to listen to....calming.

"Nothing Last Forever"

I saw you spiraling
I saw you spinning back in time
through all your memories
such a quiet disease
you had forgotten me
but I'll always remember you dancing
across the kitchen in your orange handkerchief
such a quiet disease

I pray that when you dream you would remember everything
you know it all comes back to you
in one conscience dream
maybe you'd sing and put words to all the things
that you think of in a day
but forgotten how to say

nothing last forever
not even the mountains
someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea
we all shall be blessedly released

life is so precious it's as fragile as a dream
and in a moment we all grow our wings
I wish to sing as if no ones listening
I wish to dance as if no one is watching
I wish to dance as if no one is watching
and I, give thanks for my dreams
you can rob me of my sight
and you can poison my blood stream
but as long as I can dream then life is worth living

nothing last forever
not even the mountains
someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea
we all shall be blessedly released

nothing last forever
not even the sun
for all we know it could have burned out light years ago
darkness remains the hardest thing for us to outrun

I highly suggest next time you are looking for some good slow listening to keep Brett Dennen in mind! Great, great, great music!

Much love!

A day at Donner Lake

Flour City Pasta

Dinner (or Deeeener) one of my favorite meals, I skip it WAY to often. My mom is known for sending out these great little care packages all the time to me...normally including delicious foods from local markets that she stumbles across while adventuring in her new hometown. One of my favorite things that she has put into the boxes lately is Flour City Pasta. A small pasta company that is based out of Fairport, New York. The creator of this fabulous pasta company is related to my mom some funny way...I have yet to figure it out -- but, he sure is a GREAT guy!

So, pasta is pasta right? NO WAY...FCP has some of the most unique flavor creations that only an imaginative person could come up with. Flavors like lemon garlic, thai, chipotle, sweet potato, etc. The list goes on. I have had the thai and then tonight I had lemon basil -- my favorite part about these amazing pastas is the recipe that comes with the noodles -- BOMB!!!!! When I was visiting in June my mom and I visited the factory (right next to the cookie lady on Turk(ish) hill road) it was so neat to walk in there and see everything in action. It is a cute little place...the noodles are really made with love (I think that love and food are two very important ingredients when it comes to cooking). FCP also has an array of their noodles at local markets, such as the farmers markets and my all time favorite in the village, Redbird Market.

I am big into trying to support small places as much as I can. Plus, I am a firm believer that food that comes from farms, or smaller places is made with love and is good for you. I would much rather support a small town company than some major corporation. Check out Flour City Pasta's website: http://www.flourcitypasta.com/products.htm
Maybe order yourself some.....or order a friend that is a pasta lover some. Explore the flavors, have fun!

MUCH LOVE from a very full girl!


Yep. He is GREAT. I am lucky.



I miss this.

I miss this like Waaaooohhh! 

Seriously. Looking through results from Nationals and stuff makes me bummed. I just want to push pedals like I have for the last couple summers......next season.....
I envy those of you who can pedal this year. Congrats to er'ryone who has fetched great results.

Don't get carried away...

One of my major defaults is thinking about stuff WAY tooooo much -- thinking about the worst possible situation and thinking that that will happen. That is how I am thinking right now...not good. 

Can you lie next to her
And give her your heart, your heart
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
And confess your love, your love
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before the king
And say I’m clean, I’m clean

But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

A white blank page
and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think
when you sent me
to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention
but denied my affections, my affections

So tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

Aah, aah...
Lead me to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole lie
Lead me to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole lie
Aah, aah...

Mumford & Sons "White Blank Page"



Running -- something I have been doing a lot again. Since I am back to a crazy work schedule running is one of the only constants that I have in my life. Plus, being able to get out there after a hectic day of rule enforcing I am able to clear my head. I smile the entire time. I listen closely to the lyrics of songs that scoot across my headphones. I love watching the simple way that my legs move, and how both of my feet meet the ground below me. The flash of color that emerges from each quick step off my shoes. I love the fresh air, and the sun hitting my face every now and again. I look at the trees when I pop into the little forest sections and think, 'wow...I am so lucky to be doing this'. I wish that I could approach the rest of my life like I do with my athletics. Nothing to worry about, and if there is (like a bike race) I just know I have to be the best so nothing really stands in my way -- the clearness of my thoughts is unexplainable. Then, I walk back into my house after a run and realize that I am back in my life -- things still following me around -- but, that is okay....as long as I have my outside time.

Much LOVE!



Pointless blogging. I have been REALLY good at that lately.
The one thing that I have been really good at doing lately is reconnecting with my friends that I 'lost contact' with over the last year of my life -- I have also met/made some super nice people in the last several weeks too. Hanging out with all my girls has been the best thing on earth for me.

Kyle and I have been adventuring all over the place. We adventured around Tahoe 'night life' one night, went to eagle rock a few nights after, played pool party and drive around Reno for his birthday yesterday....basically it has been wicked fun. Kyle is awesome -- I have had a blast hanging out with him.

I had pizza dinner with Lauren, Alix and Ashley a few days ago...it was really fun hanging with them -- playing catch up. We used to go out once a week when we all lived in Reno. Now it is like once in a blue moon...but those times that we get to hang are always REALLY entertaining. Plus, girl talk is needed on occasion.

I have been hanging with Priscilla and Dave a lot too. They are actually going out! We did BBQ and Gar Woods one night! Totally awesome.

My roommates are legit. Pretty funny fellows.

I have been able to hangout with Vance a few times and it is so nice. I love it, I miss hanging with him. He is a great friend...Plus, he just learned some really awesome news about an internship with a rad ski company..I am SO pumped for him.

So...getting back to the pool party...Vance, Alix, Tiff and Perry all went to float the river. It was brutally hot in Reno yesterday and so the adventure that Kyle and I were trying to do in Reno lead us to Idlewild park, which left me with two burnt butt checks from the swing being toooooooo hot. (ohhhh I forgot to mention...we did Squeeze In for breakfast!! Yummm!!!). THEN I learned that Britt was in town! We all went to Kyle's house to 'celebrate', okay, I feel bad because most of the people that were there were my drunken and sun kissed girlfriends. Ooooppppssss. I was thrown/pushing in the pool multiple times. I made sure the mountains were blue on all the Coors I enjoyed. I had a ball. I love days like that more than anything.

I am happy. I am comfortable with a dab of nervous (Betsy always tells me if you are not nervous a little bit than what is the point of doing it? Good outlook I think). I am finding the Bud I used to be. I am healthy and I am showing off my big smile everywhere.

Gar Wood's with Jess and P. 

An interesting point was brought up (Kyle makes me think a lot and I really appreciate a fresh outlook on life), he said something about the way that I claim I don't have very many girlfriends and that most of my friends are dudes -- but, lately I have figured out that that isn't so true anymore. I have my core group of girls that I love so much. I wish that they all lived closer to me, but, they are my girls and I am so pumped to call them my friends. Now, I just have to put together a game plan of how to see them all more....

We caused some seriously trouble...nothing that bad though. I blame it on the vodka flavored lemonade...
Kyle and Matt. Goofballs. 
I am happy. I have become overly obsessed with reading my horoscope daily...the weird part is...most of them come true. Yikes! 


just trust my lust...its like a highschool crush sometimes awkward

They say what goes up must come down, but please don't let me fall -- wow, I listen to wayyyyyy tooo much music, and pull way to may lyrics from songs. I guess you could say I am getting back into "the swing of things" in the dating world. There is one person in particular that I have been spending a lot of time with -- I must admit I am digging every second. I am learning a lot about myself -- of course it is always important to learn more about how you interact with others, but sometimes your insecurities might burst out a little too much. I always worry that because I have such a large list of insecurities (from my body, to what I say, to how messy of an eater I am or how my shoes may not match my bow -- yes...they are that bad) that I have created an entirely new insecurity of being insecurity....ha...have I lost you yet?

The person that I have been hanging out with is genuine. I am constantly smiling, I can be myself. It feels comfortable...but, of course I am afraid to get tooooooo comfortable. This creates a problem. I have interpreted things a little different than they were communicated -- Oooooppppppsssss. I also have somewhat of a speed bump trying to make my adventure a little more difficult.

It makes me sad to see that the other person is thinking, but, you do not know what they are thinking of. Of course, I automatically assume that I must have just done something terribly wrong. Oi, this dating/lusting/crushing thing is turning out to be a lot more difficult that I remember.

I will admit that I am having the time of my life. I can jump on the bed and it is appreciated. I just want to smile, smile and smile some more. I am being treated like a princess -- nothing to really worry about -- it is awesome. I am trying not to get tooooo far ahead of myself because I don't want to get over excited.....But, I also don't want to be a silly sally and pass up greatness. He always says "Don't forget about me", but tonight I will say: You don't forget about me......



See ya later

One of my friends that I have made over the years is moving to Austria today for a really cool job with Atomic. He totally deserves it....Matt Manser and I met 3 or 4 years ago in Vegas for SIA -- love at first sight! hahaha! We have kept in touch -- I have been the one that is horrible about going to see him.....now...the next time I see him hopefully it will be in Austria.
Yesterday evening in my after work craze he sent me a text that said to call him when I get a chance so he could say "goodbye", I responded by saying I will only call him if it is a "see ya later" call, not a "goodbye" call. I just called him...he is headed to the airport.
I AM SO EXCITED FOR HIM (in a yelling voice.....its a joke for those of you who don't know)!
In Austria Manser is going to be 9 hours ahead of me....that means that basically he will be in the future and will be able to add psychic to his resume as well...hahaha (although, I can probably tell you what he would say he sees in the future right now: chalet, sparkle A4, bikes)! I have no clue who I am going to have late night texting sessions with anymore...Ugh. I cannot wait to hear all about his new homeland, and the fun adventures that he is going to be planning for my visit.



slow down.

I have been trying my hardest lately to take in the beauty of the things which I am surrounded by daily...most of the time I know I do not realize how fore-granted I take the lifestyle I live...and how so many people envy this lifestyle approach that I dislike every now and again. Yesterday, I was cleared by my doctor to get back to "normal" life, "cleared" for work, etc. Over the last several months I have realized how much I miss daily activities...like biking, skiing, hiking, running...but it really didn't hit me until I was able to regain the ability to do all these things again at my own pace. I must admit that lately I have found a lot of peace with myself and I absolutely love it...I needed this so badly.

Biking: When people used to ask me how I like biking, normally I would deliver a negative response...now I crave time in my saddle and pushing my pedals. My bike(s) have been my main mode of transportation lately and I have never been so satisfied.

The Lake: Today several of the girls and I were talking after I decided that someone needed to send someone home because we had too many guards on...no one wanted to leave. We all agreed that we would most likely be out doing the same thing with our days (sitting out at the lake) even if we were not working.....soooo whats the difference (aside from the fact we are being paid to look at the lake).

Work: I absolutely love my job. Okay, so sometimes being the person in charge has its downfalls...And being the perfectionist that I am sometimes that can come across as harsh and somewhat irrational...but at the end of the day I think "at least I am not in a cubical"...and I can leave satisfied. Plus, I am learning slowly about the noobies that I work with and they are all really cool!

Tahoe House Coffee: Really, is there any better way to get your day started? NO!

Eating: I have never realized how much I enjoy sitting down with a salad, having a fruit filled lunch or maybe even some tofu for dinner. Frozen pizza and Ling lings are no longer items consumed daily. Phew.

Running: Today, I started running again. Well, I guess it was more like a "wog" (walk, jog and Katie G would say). But, every step that I took I felt more and more powerful. The beauty that exists in exercise is amazing. The way exercise can make you feel is unexplainable.

Roommates: What can I say? They are the best! So entertaining, great people. I am so glad that I have had the opportunity to live with them.

Friends: True friends have really prevailed lately...and I love them for that. The friends that I have managed to make over the last few crazy (emotional roller coaster) of months are going to be the friends that are there for me forever....

The love and energy that surrounds me now is amazing. I love it. Thank you. 

Well, I have freshly cleaned sheets calling me!

Goodnight world...MUCH LOVE!

This is the first time I have ever been single since I was about 15. It is awesome. I am so happy to do my own thing! HOORAY! 


PS...Timmy is singing to "Livin' on a pray" ha....I have the best roommates ever! I love this place!


eating like a queen

Okay...so maybe not like a queen but pretty well. When I moved two weeks ago I decided that since I am able to become active again it is time to start getting back into my old habits....After 2 years worth of frozen pizza's  I just wanted to sit down and enjoy a salad and the freshness that fruits and veggies have. Yesterday, I finally had a day of from a hectic 2 weeks and I decided to go grocery shopping in Reno. Good choice. Last night I made a GIANT batch of Quinoa (a grain) which is delicious once you get it all dolled up just right. I added red, yellow and green diced peppers, sauteed baby bella's, minced garlic, feta, Annie's goddess dressing...chicken last night and tofu tonight! Sooo good. Plus, quinoa is super inexpensive and can keep you fed (and healthily) for a long time!

Forth of July (and the 3rd) were CRAZY at Chambers. Wow....That is all I have to say and I am REALLY glad that I am done with that weekend! The 3rd Wilson and I went out and shared a drink(s) with an old bike racing friend of mine Jackie Baker, whom now works for Giant. I experienced hitch hiking for the first time (don't worry I was with Mike) -- interesting..I would rather pedal my bike I think.
Jackie was really stoked on how patriotic this chick was at BT. 

I opted out of doing anything on the 4th...I am pretty sure that it goes back to what my dad always says about the four holidays you DON'T party on(I am pretty sure it is something like this): 4th of July, Halloween, your birthday, and New Years. I wanted to go into TC and watch the fireworks, but by the time that came around I had no energy. That night my friend Terren came from South Lake and we just enjoyed some beers and music. It was a nice relaxing night. I also noticed how patriotic PBR cans are (red, white and blue...check it out next time you crack one open!hahaha!). Since I no longer know what it is like to sleep in to 9 am, I was up early wanting to go get coffee...Terren...not so much! ha....eventually we had an awesome pedal down one of the many bike paths in the Tahoe area and went to Tahoe House, for some phenomenal coffee and pastries. Then we decided that mimosa's would be appropriate for the epic morning. 
Monday morning mimosas. 

Today was back to the grind. Jackie stopped by on her way to SoCal to pick up some skis and brought a bunch of coffee. SO pumped. I got a PO box. A fixed a dress for a friend. And headed off to work -- back to the grind for a long long long  time. Today was hectic on the pier. I was the only one out there for a majority of the day. It's okay though, I really enjoy that part of my job. The constant motion and action that is going on it really entertaining. The homeowners that I get to take to their boats are AWESOME! I was asked by multiple men today how old I was...the general guess was 17....GOTCHYA -- I love letting them really know that I am 23, ha! I got tannnnnnnnnnnnn today -- love it! How many other jobs are there that pay you to get tan all day?! 
Chambers sunset. 

I am so sorry if I haven't had time to get back to your e-mails. I have been so busy, I almost don't have time to breath. Normally, I am passed out in bed by 10:30 at the latest. Tomorrow is another early day. I swear will try to get back to y'all!!! 

MUCH LOVE from a tan and exhausted Tahoe girl


Root: 1

In a previous blog I wrote about a wine that I found the other day at the supermarket for under $10. It is Root:1 -- Cabernet Sauvignon (Root:1). A great red, from Colchagua Valley, Chile (I actually think that it tastes similar to Black Box). Honestly, I grabbed it because the label was interesting to me, I was surprised by how flavorful it was once I popped the cork! I GUESSSS....one should taste chocolate, and mocha-y flavors...but my tastes much not be that mature yet....all I know it that every dish that I have had it with has been paired great -- plus with a cheap price like that how can you go wrong! Out here in the Tahoe area you can find it at SaveMart. Root:1 also makes a Carmenere (?), a Sauvignon Blanc, and a Chardonnay. I am excited to explore the rest of the wines that the vineyard produces. I must admit that I never thought I would be a wine person when I first started dabbling with drinking, but now I love wine. I REALLY want to explore Napa.

MUCH LOVE to my fellow wine drinkers.

Some unwinding time

This is how I start my mornings. Tahoe House coffee and the lake. Can't get much better. 
My summer job is legit. 
Mah girl Chey and I at Gar Woods @ Wet Woodie Wednesdays. 

I feel like I have hardly had a second to breath. I guess this kind of life style is what I thrive on though...I need the constant hustle and bustle so that I feel like I have done something with myself that day. Sorry I have been so bad at BLAHging lately...for those of you who actually follow me. :) 
So, since the move I have been really busy with work. Long long long days in the sun....I won't lie I have a pretty awesome tan right now and it is only the start of the season! YES! 

Being in charge at work this year is interesting to say the least...I now understand why Kayla and Kev got stressed out. I am allllways the mean person...enforcing the rules, explaining policy and procedure....I cannot tell you how rude some of the guests can be. But, at the end of the day I realize that I have a great job and I get to be outside on Lake Tahoe, while others are stuck in a cubical. The crew has turned out to be REALLY awesome, I think we have a great time together. Today we got megaphones...at first I was totally not into them...by the end of the day (once I was slap happy) they all the sudden became the best thing ever. I have been so antsy the last couple days because all I want to do is get the heck out of work so that I can go and pedal.

The other day at PT I was given the okay to ride...and I mean really RIDE. After work on Wednesday Mike and I took a pedal down to Chambers. I cannot explain the continuous smile that was on my face even when my leg was about to fall off from being so tired. I am back on the bike. It is the best feeling ever. It is pretty funny to think that 8 years ago I would come up with excuses left and right not to have to go and ride with the CBA biking team...now I crave time on my two wheelers. I rode yesterday on a joy ride after work, and then road to and from work today. I am going to get the hanger on my MTB fixed soon, in hopes that I will be able to take that out soon. I have my cruiser too....it is almost prime cruising time. 

Wednesday was a big social night here. It was Wet Woodie Wednesday's at Gar Woods. A wet woodie is essentially a blended juice concoction with way to much alcohol in them. All the lake front restaurants here have their own version. I think they are gross. I don't drink them...I opt for a ginormous beer instead...maybe a shot or two. It was cool..I met new people, hungout with friends, got angry when I saw Chris, got over it -- should be over it. Over all it was a great time. Wednesday tuckered me out so much that by the time Thursday night rolled around I was so exhausted from being in the sun that my lights were out by 10:30. Tonight, I am trying myself to a glass of red wine called Root I, I REALLY like it...it is a cab sav. I suggest you try it if you find it in a store (I found it in Savemart for under $10) -- I also had a snickers bar....that totally made my night. 

I am trying to get a new PO box set up...I realized that tomorrow is Saturday, and then Sunday and I believe most places are closed this Monday...sooo I might run into a little problem. But, it will be taken care of soon. I MIGHT try to sneak into TC tomorrow morning and get it done before I go to work...I guess I can also do it online...that is always a possibility. I would hate to miss a copy of Real Simple. 

I have started looking at jobs and places to live in LA. I think I will have a lot of luck. So far the leads I have had have been REALLY helpful. There are sooo many different choices -- I would like to be as close to the water as possible, orrrrrr closer to the "mountains", I am lucky enough to have some friends helping me out and keeping their eyes open for anything stellar that might come around.  I CANNOT WAIT FOR THAT MOVE!!!! I AM SO EXCITED TO START SCHOOL THERE! 

I realized that I left all my nail polish, remover and clippers in my storage unit. DOOHHHH! Me with out nail polish...yikes. Luckily, it opens at 6 am tomorrow morning so I might be able to hop out there quickly -- I might have to take a day off from biking even though I REALLY don't want to. 

I have a feeling that tonight is going to be another early night.

So, I hope that you all are making the most out of your life.